like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
If I die, sorry about rent.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
