Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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