I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
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