Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
