i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
