Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
