if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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