1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
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