I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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