what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
