Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize
