your thong is hanging out like whoa
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize