I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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