8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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