WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
