im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
