booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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