If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
