Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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