sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
