he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
