Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
