If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
