last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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