I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
