They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
