I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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