They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He did a backflip because drugs
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