how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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