Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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