I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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