just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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