I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
