How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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