just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You are the jesus of drinking
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
