Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize