2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
