her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
