billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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