Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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