I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
