Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
