seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
