i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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