Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he thought i was a dude.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
