In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize