I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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