connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
