I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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