i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
