I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
