i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Your penis caused this!
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