I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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