u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
