capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
