Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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