i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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