You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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