all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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