I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
