Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I don't think brook has ever known best
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
