I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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