the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
