alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
