Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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