I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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