you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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